My Hockey Top Ten

The Canucks' run for the cup has reminded me why I don't watch hockey.
Don't get me wrong- I love it. And I'm not about to have my passport confiscated for saying otherwise.

But there are so many reasons to hate NHL hockey on TV that I just can't watch, at least not through the regular season.

The Leafs, for example.
They're numbers one through four on any top-ten list of reasons not to watch hockey. Not just because it's so patently obvious the owners don't give a skunk's hindleg whether the team ever wins again, or even Makes the playoffs, but also because there should be a team to give them a run for their money in their own neighbourhood.

And that brings us to reason number 5: Gary Bettman. For any Canadian who wants more teams in Canada, Gary Bettman is a good reason to give up on hockey, because it's patently obvious not only that he doesn't give a skunk's hindleg about Canada, but also that his expansion plan to the U.S. is silly and doomed.

So those are reasons one through five not to watch hockey. Here are the rest:

6: the crazy, humiliating sounds that come out of me when Vancouver's on a breakaway, or there's a big hit.
7: the crazy, humiliating suspension given on a clean hit to a guy who had his head down.
8: the sore muscles in my rear end from sitting on the edge of my seat through the past four games. (well, period three of game three was a less edge of the seat and more edge of night, but still...)
9: listening to the folks who say there's no such thing as a Canadian team, YES YES I heard you when you said that all the teams are Canadian if you look at the hometowns..

And the final reason on my top ten list of reasons not to watch hockey... Did I mention the leafs?