Review: Your Driving, Not Mine

I'm certain I'm not the only driver in Collingwood who could use a yearly refresher on the rules of the road, although I am frequently reminded by my safety-conscious sweetie that there are a few habits I might want to develop and a few others I might want to ditch, pardon the pun.

The thing is, I'm a pretty good driver. I bet you think you are, too. Regardless of who has the perfect record, there are a few things I've learned over the years that aren't covered in the Driving School lesson plans. I offer them now as a public service, free of charge:

1)Your 4-ways do not make you invisible. While I can understand why you might think the emergency lights could actually be a cloaking device, let me assure you, they're not, and having them on will not get you out of a ticket in a tow-away zone. It also makes you no friends outside Loblaws.

2)Ski racks or a storage rack on the top of your car does not make it more aerodynamic. While you may think the items up top give you the ability to drive any speed you like, they really don't. People laugh extra hard if they see you in the ditch or getting a ticket while sporting your sports goods on your roof.

3)And about the turn. Go ahead and make one if it's safe. After checking out the new Shoppers Drug Mart location on First Street yesterday, I had the joy of waiting in a six-car line to get out of the parking lot. Oh, it wasn't actually busy enough to justify the lineup. A lovely lady whose blue-rinse perm barely cleared the steering wheel of her Chevette waited and waited and waited to turn right into the five-lane highway while the rest of us, waited for her. The lane she wanted to pull into was clear, but not the second westbound lane. She seemed to need both lanes empty before she ventured onto the road.

"Honest, Mabel, you can do it!" I wanted to shout. "Fear Not, pull out, stay to the right and drive on!"

Remind me never to go to the new store on Seniors' Day.